Forgotten

An exercise of thought……

To be forgotten
Liberation from the minds of others
Etherical freedom of non existence
To be whole and not splinter in others thoughts
To be new and undiscovered
The irony, to be
A nothingness
No beginning
No end
To be empty without boundaries
With no containment comes no restrictions
Thus no rules, no laws
Ageless
With all of the above
How much is left for a Self?
A pivotal reflection……
How much of others do we carry?
Interactions that shaped us
Action to reaction
Intermingled
Some kind of unison from the individualism

letting the thoughts flow starting from a theme and rambling on. A rolling stone down a hill , where it leads is the adventure

Theme

Someone told me last week ‘ if you are frustrated then you are learning ‘ . Obviously I was frustrated with something but that wasn’t the only thing. A domino of events followed. I had to digest the emotion in front of me. Looking deeper the words said to me came back to the forefront. There is something life, subconscious or some heavenly message screaming at me. Removing the emotions of it all and the message is clear. The same message that was repeated in many forms and even vocalised. One can hear the words but never listen. Ironically , looking at this screen and out the window is not a life. These invisible strands of web of my own doing has kept me here to a lifeless routine. There are several layers of ones mind. Part of me right now is criticizing the other part for complaining. The part that controls that doesn’t want to do anything about it, until he is choked into submission. Life , a series of events fueled by emotions, digested (hopefully) by logic. If looked at stepping back, one can see themes.

Mud

The analytical side of me sees where the emotional is at.
The emotional side is struggling. It is bogged down. It is in the mud. No solid footing under the feet. Nor firm ground to be seen. All there is is effort to step out. This pool of mud seem to have grown. Fresh rain of late compacted over a pool of old I thought I was clear of. There was no avoiding this. The weather was too heavy and washed away the path I thought was so clear. It was just a rabbit trail. The analytical is figuring out the connection between the new and old. Looking for a chemical reaction turning this puddle to something solid. All this, a transition, for beyond this , new lands. A resettling. A change. Warm summer rain to wash this all away.

Down Below

It is as if I am always seeking
Things that my eyes can’t see
Feel things I cannot touch
In the depth of pressure I can’t attain
Understand a language I never heard
A whisper amongst the crowd
A secret never told
A meaning underlined in the chaos
A direction in this rat race
A peaceful moment during this battle
A touch that transcendes the physical
A measurement of light years instead of my two feet
Down below so dark and deep
A spark of hope a light to keep
In this late hour I try to sleep

Big Empty

58

The first thing I did moving in my mothers house was to set up an old sound system in the living room connected to the satellite radio. The music helps but not always. Some songs bring up the past. Songs that brought memories of my late teens when my parents went away for the weekend. I would call up my friends to see what they were doing. The times they were busy I was quite content lounging in the sun on the back porch playing bass to the songs i was listening to with a case of beer. We had a beautiful view of the town below. I feel the nostalgy of that moment. In a strange way I am here again.

I am the intruder to a house I own. Emptying the closets of my mothers belonging feels like a knife cutting away at her, her memory and some of it my father. He passed away in 2016. Emptying my own house feels the same. Decades of memory as I leave behind not sure what to expect.

I set up a computer area in the loft upstairs. I spend 90 percent of my time there when I am not in bed. This is my haven for distractions. When I got back from putting my cat down I got on Discord just to hear the guys chatter and banter of the current subject. It was soothing.

There were a couple of times in my life I had next to nothing. Huge change in life. Sleeping on the floor and being content with what I had. I did not know what or where to go to next. The first time is was the adventure of youth. The second time it felt like life set the stepping stones just when I need them. Remembering the morning sun kissing my cheek on the drive to town. My problems were very much present.

This chapter. A much more comfortable situation. What I have doesn’t feel like it’s mine.

I am looking into this void I am trying to describe. I sense a vulnerability. A weakness. An emptiness that seeks not to be. I lack the connection I once had. I am in a sate of mind at the moment I have to end this here

The hardest Fall

Two weeks ago I had to put down my cat. She was 18 years old. A dropped by kitten my mother found in the bundle of wood from the renovation in the early morning of October. Just like my mother she was very difficult in the food she ate. I even brought her to the vet as her intestines seemed to have been blocked. Like my mom. For a while she seemed back to normal , though she would not eat her crunchies and only enjoyed her meat. To which I gave her more of. Shortly after we moved into my mothers house and she quickly adjusted to her new home. All summer it seemed to go ok, just that a little more attention to her food was needed. I noticed she was licking her food instead of chewing and only ate the top part. I had to flip it over to expose the fresher side as it would get dry and unappealing to her taste. She was eating less and less. After the thanks giving holiday with the family coming down she stopped eating and would just have a bit of water. Like my mom I saw her withering away to a frail state of skin and bones. It hurt me to see her like this and it hurt thinking of bringing her to the vet. She would gently wobble standing up she was so feeble. Her hind legs would slide down the stairs as she took a few steps down and rest. I had an appointment and need to take her in an hour but she wanted to go outside. I let her knowing it was her last hour. It was miserable and grey with sprinkles of rain. She did not struggle as I put her in her carrying box. I held her and petted her as they gave her a calming solution a few minutes before the final injection. It was impossible to hold back the tears. Eighteen years she was my companion. This brought back my mothers death and the way she died this February. Just like the day that I buried my mom it was miserable and wet until we stepped out of the car for the ceremony. Once that was over the sun peered through the clouds…… like when I stepped out of the vets after her final injection. Maybe I was stretching to give these events more meaning.

Two and a half months after my mothers death I moved into my mothers house. I was happy with my tiny little bungalow but this was the family house for three generations. If we were to gather together as a family I had to take it. Four times the size of my house this place felt too quiet. It is a constant reminder that I am in their space and memory. Having emptied my place for the move my house seems so empty , gutted out of its soul. For the longest while I thought I was ok. I have lived alone for about thirty years this is just a walk in the park. Busy with renovation landscaping and a try at gardening. I was too busy and lazy to have it weigh on me for too long. Now that my cat isn’t with me this house feels extra empty, even though she did not make that much noise. I realized that it took away a sense of purpose as I have nothing else to take care of other than my self. Taking care of my mom the last few months of her life gave me that also. I had a duty to fulfill and I gladly did it.

To add on top of that today I met at the store a fling I fell for nine years ago. She ghosted me and never told me she met someone else. I dunno but it just seems to add to the theme here. This does not beat the darkest days of my life thirty years ago but the pressure of it is a close second. Sold the maple farm a year ago and retired. This gives me all the time I want to do what and when. Sort of to say other than a few details , I have it all. Yet I feel like I am on the edge of a great void. My head is spinning trying to make heads or tails of it. I am at the family house on family land and I feel so lost. This is the hardest fall to deal with. The period of the season where all the colourful leaves have fallen before the fall of snow.

Untold Burden

To think I have the dominant hand
Weighed down by worldly pressures
Struggling to achieve or at least stay afloat
All the while giving you support and comfort
To be the hero , the be provider , the punching bag
To be your everything and still not being enough
Silenced by my roll
Not to appear weak
I am burdened by what you do not see
Yet you see me and my kind as the dominant
Burdened slaves to the few with the powers that be
To the social image to which we must attain
You will never agree to this that be
So this remains
The untold burden

Head over heel

You are
before
you know,
for all
you can
think about,
The now
every moment
away is,
A breath
too short,
a hunger
unsatiated
an endless
pit, deep
leaned over
just too
far
head over heels,
A caress
gentle scar
internal burn
eternal dream
never a thought
the end
will be.
young, old
ageless it feels.
First or
experienced
naiveté rules
the day
obsession to
turmoil
King and
jester
fate equally
suffered

One Year Later

It is roughly this time last year that the shit starting to hit the fan. Sugar season was just peaking as the weather was warming up. A push to get things ready was weighing on my shoulders as I didn’t want a start like the year before. Things weren’t fully ready then and I had a mechanical issue that delayed the start of the season.

My mother was suffering from something that wasn’t discovered yet. Once it was discovered it explained why she was having so much problems with her back. I had little time to see her while she was in the hospital. She was transferred to another hospital further away at the same time the covid became a major thing. To me she was in good hands and hell was about to break loose.

Everything and anything that could go wrong went wrong with what I believe to be the exception was my health and my back. I even had to do a roof patch up to a cottage my mother was renting out.

In peak season the time and effort is easily twice that as a normal work week. This was over three times that. Several mechanical problems that risked my production time frame was a constant. It was to a point where I had an open account. Despite it all and a couple of kick in the seat of the pants I did better than the year before.

A friend pointed out that I was challenged to the best of my talent and I made it through. Yeah , a little self flattery after so much pity fest.

The rest of the year ….. Covid. The Covid issue wasn’t really hard to handle. Social distancing thing and seeing less people suited me just fine. This epidemic just seems to high light the stupidity people can go to. Well they have , are. I thought it was just people blindly following their GPS to dead end wooded trails, I was wrong.

I have to be careful for two as my mothers immune system is way down. She is doing very well with her treatment. She will not be fully the way she was before but she is managing very well. She made it back home late April early May-ish. Every week I had to driver her to her chemo treatment which took most of the day waiting. Oddly this never felt like a burden, or was I impatient with my time lost. My mother through all this was very stoic through it all. Her friend said she broke down just once when she visited her in the hospital. She was concerned about me worrying about her. It did cross my mind now and then, but like i said I knew she was in good hands.

I have to stop and think what I did for the rest of the year. I felt like I was dragging my feet all year. I did work on my mechanical problems making major expensive changes. I am anxious to see how all that is going to work out.

Looking ahead 2021 is going to be a busy year as there are a few projects on the table that need to get done. After that I am not seeing the year after that being that active but the future is full of surprises.

I feel obligated to post this update. It is starting to look like a diary and not a blog. I was half inspired a few times to blog something but it felt half assed with the point not fully developed. I usually start with a seed and see if it grows into something. I have serval drafts hoping to rekindle that spark if I go back to it but I doubt that. I have so much to say and nothing at the same time.

Unprepared

I hate (great way to start) it when people or companies I worked for are never ready for the task at hand. Things are hectic and frustrating as what you need to push forward is not there or ready. I try to plan ahead and communicate my intentions to those concerned in advance so there are no surprises, well as much as possible. I took over my fathers maple sugar farm coming on 4 years now. I spend lots of time planning what I am going to do and what I need, the same for those who work with me. I make sure they have everything they need. The unexpected always finds a way to creep up on you with certain twist you never thought. Weather , mechanics, and accidents. Having done a lot of work last year on straightening out what was not efficient in my system setup I thought I was ahead of the game until things warmed up and the sap started to flow.  What was around the corner is now in my face for the past two weeks. When things start in this time of season, anything that wasn’t broken may be broken. There is no plug and play here. Things happen when nothing happens kind of thing. Next thing you notice is you are pulled along with the wind of events in a sort of daze of demand of work and time in front of you. In a way this to be expected every year. Kinda ironic I guess.

This year is extra challenging. From challenges on the council level from my municipality that I seat in with delinquent forestry companies hauling wood when the roads are thawed. The logistic, sort to say, of the cottage my mother is renting out. The tentants wish to purchase it but only the land , well foundation and septic field. The house is sub par as it was a cottage on candle sticks  to something set on a foundation and extension add to it. It is sub standard to be sold as such and would cost a lot to bring it to something decent. This is a great deal for my mother to take and a huge one for me as it would fall on my hands to renovate it. The kicker is ….. they are on vacation for 2 months …. April and May.  April, I will be in full swing of the tail end of the sugar season.

The cherry on the Sundae

About 2 or 3 years ago my mom was diagnosed with a leukemia. A certain genetic type of thing that can lay dormant for a whole lofe time kind of thing. It is treatable. Apparently it was under control. The thing is it made her blood thinner and she is anemic.
Things add up after the fact ….
My mom was suffering from a back problem for a good part of the year. It seemed the chiropractor was making things worst for her. She could not put a roast in the even as the weight stressed her back. Two weeks ago she went to see her doctor which was an hour drive. He took in account of the distance she lived away from and did a lumbar biopsy on her. This was painless and the last time she had one she had a bit of problem with the bleeding, but it went ok, I was with her at the time. This time she was alone with her sister in law who doesn’t drive. She made it home but about 6 hours later it started bleeding and wouldn’t stop. Friends of her came by to help and decided to call an ambulance. Midnight I get a call to go get her the bleeding had stopped. Next morning she woke up with blood in her bed. Again back at the hospital late afternoon only to be seen at 2 am in the morning and tried to send her home. Her back was getting worst as she needed a cane to walk and her movement were slow and calculated. Sitting down or laying down was ok for her. Then next day it was unbearable and again they called the ambulance. At hospital they noticed how this time it was serious and how much pain she was in.  Two days ago I finally had the time to see her as I had no time at all for her with the swing of things on the way. I had just done a 2 day run of 14 to 15 hour days at the sugar farm. The news was they found a tumor in her back. Last night I got time to go see her but she was sleeping which gave me time to see the doctor to see what was her condition as information was adding up daily. The tumor is in one of her vertebrate and weakening the density of the bone. It was like it was broken which explains was she could not turn sideways when walking. The doctor said there is a new procedure where they inject some kind of ciment in her vertebrate. In a way they kind of caught it in time but unsure if she will walk. She has the next month to look forward to on her back. This Friday she was supposed to have tests done and ship her from this local hospital the the one where her doctor is an hour and a half away. The scan machine was shut down and it was delayed till Monday.

I have a lot on my plate with the season in full swing, with also certain logistics added on the administration side. My mom took care of that and the cooking with a hand at some work in the cabin while I took the time to eat.

Even though it is cold this morning I have two repairs to do … actually 4 . One is going on the roof of the cottage as the roof was leaking with ice forming up due to lack of insulation and ventilation. Defrosting certain pipes the were frozen last sap run and some mechanic repairs on the tractor as I need it to ploy the snow.

The next three days the sap will run and I have paper work to file and checks to send before the week is out. Something new to learn.

As I am feeling the pressure of what lays ahead of me I am heart broken for my mother. She is keeping a brave face through it all . She said if the pain can stop just that would be a great relief.

My father died on the operating table in 2016. The doctors thought that had a good chance but my fathers heart was too warn out. It was a heavy feeling to get over even though me and my mom were expecting such surprise for 10 years. This now? I have no clue what comes next.

Even though I have projected what I would do with the farm and their home when my parents would be gone I was not prepared for this.

I have to run now as I took enough time this morning to write this.