Me

I am lost in the certainty

the certainty I am

lost

with every step I have found

only to lose it again

For what I was

is not what I am now

nor am I complete

or ever will be

till the end

of what I will eventually be

Me

 

 

Captains log

I wake up to find myself in an abandoned submarine not knowing how i got there or where the crew have gone to. Where I am on the charts , I don’t know. How deep I am , unknown. I have a challenge before me and so many questions. I have so many instruments to learn, so many essential things for my survival.

As strange as it feels to be lost and yet confined the solitude is comforting. My mind is not busy with little things as everything is important and urgent. Air! What do I need to know before I choke to death , how much do I have and how long will it last? Food. Geez , how much do I have and what will go bad first?

There is no idle time to be had, for what I neglect now I will have to pay dearly later.

Why bother if I am probably going to die anyways. What do I want to do? Master this craft? To what purpose , what end? Odd is the thought of getting off and finding my way home so far from my thoughts right now. I seem to enjoy this peace and quiet and yet it will be limited as soon as I run out of air or food.

In these watery depths my thoughts go to deeper thoughts. It is as if this is the reason why I am here. I can’t decide what is more important, finding the reason or just pure survival?

On that I am on a stand still. No external influences to disrupt me. No feelings here in the depths of my mind. Some kind of stealth mission way below the chaos of thoughts and emotions. No rambling of repetitious thoughts. Each one , new , deeper, a discovery.

So deep I am here , to the point I forget to breathe.

Here, no thoughts of what is going on ‘out there’

Note: the imagery is a reoccurring one when I am quiet in thought. I decided to write it down and explore where my thoughts would lead. I feel I could of gone deeper if I had no other external pressures at this moment , but knowing myself I would have gone in a day dream and fell asleep.

Inspired to reply

 

Having seen this on Facebook I was inspired to reply

Tho my feelings have changed towards death over the years, I have felt this and understood it well. This week 20 years ago I lost an ex even tho we were separated for two years , her death took me a good seven years to get over. It is through my dreams did we argue and fight still , until that one last dream where we resolved things without even speaking. I felt at peace with her ever since. Even after death she has taught me a lesson of letting go. I thank her for it. Even the passing away of those we know , we carry part of them with us, even if it is one line they said to us that for the longest time haunted us till we understood it. Whether we know it , or feel it , we are shaped by those we meet. Sometimes even touched by strangers. We can feel lonely in this world sometimes but the reality of it is so untrue.

So in turn , think about this, those who have touched you in your life you have also touched them in somewhat the exact manner.

Trust your choices

Trust your choices
for there is no wrong roads to take
yes there are choices that are harder than others
and some so easy to take
What ever we do we always pay the price
be it now or later
regret holds us back
but not really for it is a part of it too
choices are part of experiences
from standing still
to the exileration of risking life
from dreaming
to planning
to searching for a meaning
We adjust , we cope
we carry heavy burdens
Through it all we are a story
if time is taken to be told
gain to loss
in victory or defeat
we are our own witness
a living choice
shaped by life
we are what we are
what else can we trust?