Head over heel

You are
before
you know,
for all
you can
think about,
The now
every moment
away is,
A breath
too short,
a hunger
unsatiated
an endless
pit, deep
leaned over
just too
far
head over heels,
A caress
gentle scar
internal burn
eternal dream
never a thought
the end
will be.
young, old
ageless it feels.
First or
experienced
naiveté rules
the day
obsession to
turmoil
King and
jester
fate equally
suffered

One Year Later

It is roughly this time last year that the shit starting to hit the fan. Sugar season was just peaking as the weather was warming up. A push to get things ready was weighing on my shoulders as I didn’t want a start like the year before. Things weren’t fully ready then and I had a mechanical issue that delayed the start of the season.

My mother was suffering from something that wasn’t discovered yet. Once it was discovered it explained why she was having so much problems with her back. I had little time to see her while she was in the hospital. She was transferred to another hospital further away at the same time the covid became a major thing. To me she was in good hands and hell was about to break loose.

Everything and anything that could go wrong went wrong with what I believe to be the exception was my health and my back. I even had to do a roof patch up to a cottage my mother was renting out.

In peak season the time and effort is easily twice that as a normal work week. This was over three times that. Several mechanical problems that risked my production time frame was a constant. It was to a point where I had an open account. Despite it all and a couple of kick in the seat of the pants I did better than the year before.

A friend pointed out that I was challenged to the best of my talent and I made it through. Yeah , a little self flattery after so much pity fest.

The rest of the year ….. Covid. The Covid issue wasn’t really hard to handle. Social distancing thing and seeing less people suited me just fine. This epidemic just seems to high light the stupidity people can go to. Well they have , are. I thought it was just people blindly following their GPS to dead end wooded trails, I was wrong.

I have to be careful for two as my mothers immune system is way down. She is doing very well with her treatment. She will not be fully the way she was before but she is managing very well. She made it back home late April early May-ish. Every week I had to driver her to her chemo treatment which took most of the day waiting. Oddly this never felt like a burden, or was I impatient with my time lost. My mother through all this was very stoic through it all. Her friend said she broke down just once when she visited her in the hospital. She was concerned about me worrying about her. It did cross my mind now and then, but like i said I knew she was in good hands.

I have to stop and think what I did for the rest of the year. I felt like I was dragging my feet all year. I did work on my mechanical problems making major expensive changes. I am anxious to see how all that is going to work out.

Looking ahead 2021 is going to be a busy year as there are a few projects on the table that need to get done. After that I am not seeing the year after that being that active but the future is full of surprises.

I feel obligated to post this update. It is starting to look like a diary and not a blog. I was half inspired a few times to blog something but it felt half assed with the point not fully developed. I usually start with a seed and see if it grows into something. I have serval drafts hoping to rekindle that spark if I go back to it but I doubt that. I have so much to say and nothing at the same time.

Unprepared

I hate (great way to start) it when people or companies I worked for are never ready for the task at hand. Things are hectic and frustrating as what you need to push forward is not there or ready. I try to plan ahead and communicate my intentions to those concerned in advance so there are no surprises, well as much as possible. I took over my fathers maple sugar farm coming on 4 years now. I spend lots of time planning what I am going to do and what I need, the same for those who work with me. I make sure they have everything they need. The unexpected always finds a way to creep up on you with certain twist you never thought. Weather , mechanics, and accidents. Having done a lot of work last year on straightening out what was not efficient in my system setup I thought I was ahead of the game until things warmed up and the sap started to flow.  What was around the corner is now in my face for the past two weeks. When things start in this time of season, anything that wasn’t broken may be broken. There is no plug and play here. Things happen when nothing happens kind of thing. Next thing you notice is you are pulled along with the wind of events in a sort of daze of demand of work and time in front of you. In a way this to be expected every year. Kinda ironic I guess.

This year is extra challenging. From challenges on the council level from my municipality that I seat in with delinquent forestry companies hauling wood when the roads are thawed. The logistic, sort to say, of the cottage my mother is renting out. The tentants wish to purchase it but only the land , well foundation and septic field. The house is sub par as it was a cottage on candle sticks  to something set on a foundation and extension add to it. It is sub standard to be sold as such and would cost a lot to bring it to something decent. This is a great deal for my mother to take and a huge one for me as it would fall on my hands to renovate it. The kicker is ….. they are on vacation for 2 months …. April and May.  April, I will be in full swing of the tail end of the sugar season.

The cherry on the Sundae

About 2 or 3 years ago my mom was diagnosed with a leukemia. A certain genetic type of thing that can lay dormant for a whole lofe time kind of thing. It is treatable. Apparently it was under control. The thing is it made her blood thinner and she is anemic.
Things add up after the fact ….
My mom was suffering from a back problem for a good part of the year. It seemed the chiropractor was making things worst for her. She could not put a roast in the even as the weight stressed her back. Two weeks ago she went to see her doctor which was an hour drive. He took in account of the distance she lived away from and did a lumbar biopsy on her. This was painless and the last time she had one she had a bit of problem with the bleeding, but it went ok, I was with her at the time. This time she was alone with her sister in law who doesn’t drive. She made it home but about 6 hours later it started bleeding and wouldn’t stop. Friends of her came by to help and decided to call an ambulance. Midnight I get a call to go get her the bleeding had stopped. Next morning she woke up with blood in her bed. Again back at the hospital late afternoon only to be seen at 2 am in the morning and tried to send her home. Her back was getting worst as she needed a cane to walk and her movement were slow and calculated. Sitting down or laying down was ok for her. Then next day it was unbearable and again they called the ambulance. At hospital they noticed how this time it was serious and how much pain she was in.  Two days ago I finally had the time to see her as I had no time at all for her with the swing of things on the way. I had just done a 2 day run of 14 to 15 hour days at the sugar farm. The news was they found a tumor in her back. Last night I got time to go see her but she was sleeping which gave me time to see the doctor to see what was her condition as information was adding up daily. The tumor is in one of her vertebrate and weakening the density of the bone. It was like it was broken which explains was she could not turn sideways when walking. The doctor said there is a new procedure where they inject some kind of ciment in her vertebrate. In a way they kind of caught it in time but unsure if she will walk. She has the next month to look forward to on her back. This Friday she was supposed to have tests done and ship her from this local hospital the the one where her doctor is an hour and a half away. The scan machine was shut down and it was delayed till Monday.

I have a lot on my plate with the season in full swing, with also certain logistics added on the administration side. My mom took care of that and the cooking with a hand at some work in the cabin while I took the time to eat.

Even though it is cold this morning I have two repairs to do … actually 4 . One is going on the roof of the cottage as the roof was leaking with ice forming up due to lack of insulation and ventilation. Defrosting certain pipes the were frozen last sap run and some mechanic repairs on the tractor as I need it to ploy the snow.

The next three days the sap will run and I have paper work to file and checks to send before the week is out. Something new to learn.

As I am feeling the pressure of what lays ahead of me I am heart broken for my mother. She is keeping a brave face through it all . She said if the pain can stop just that would be a great relief.

My father died on the operating table in 2016. The doctors thought that had a good chance but my fathers heart was too warn out. It was a heavy feeling to get over even though me and my mom were expecting such surprise for 10 years. This now? I have no clue what comes next.

Even though I have projected what I would do with the farm and their home when my parents would be gone I was not prepared for this.

I have to run now as I took enough time this morning to write this.

Dont have a plan

Far from the ambition of youth
Far from the dreams
The desires lingered
And time just passed by
Accidental fate made the connection
So sweet the taste of a dream
So bitter was the after taste

Burden by defeat
Caught between hope and abandonment
Chance, the tease of possibility
Heart strings pulled and harmony lost
And time passes by
All that I wanted
and all that I wished for
Never attained

Complicated by reason
Realization that dreams needs drive
Understanding the wisdom
Motivation and dreams go hand in hand
The dream was the illusion
For I didn’t have a plan
Unburdened by this
Discovery of who I really am
Just a feather in the wind

Undercurrent

Problems of reality over the constraint of time, all weighing down on pressure of expectation and fear of falling short. This is the mental equation that is running in the background unnoticed or unaware of.

In the moment of clarity while doing some mundane chore, a mental picture presents it self. An image of a tree representing choices branching out.

For a brief connection of understanding I am left with the theme instead of the detail of thought. Curse this short term memory yet the serenity of that moment remains .

I sit to watch a show I have had recorded this week but fell asleep on it the night before I re watched this morning. As I am watching it in the back of my mind this equation runs and being reflected with the story developing in front of me.

A revelation. With the work I do that depends on a small window where my income is created I have no margin of error to be neglectful. To have things ready before it is needed and to foresee any possible problems. Hopefully before they pop up. I try to keep that part of my life in order. Then it occurred to me why I am not so organized at home. I can relax and release some of that pressure here. I love when I come across new thoughts and ideas.

All this going on in my head there was another my illusive glimps of thought. It was almost an understanding of why we do things and why things happen. The core thread of which all this is programmed on.

I like when I can think to to take the time by the lake on the dock and just gaze into the water. What is noticed is the waves on the surface. Effects of the wind on the surface and the sunlight dancing and sparkling catching the eye. Slowly breathing and calming down my attention is drawn below. The effects that can be seen from the delicate objects swaying. Current don’t always flow in the same direction as the surface. In this moment it is like a door way , one which is brief and not always entered.

Again I am doing some daily chore which should be daily yet part of my mind speaks in phrases. Reflecting on peoples desires and motivation over my own, how there is a wanting for something exciting and new. How that desire creates problems and frustration in their pursuit. Drive and motivation being their master they are not aware of. How I compare to others in this way , how much of which I am also blind to the same desires.

I may have more of this theme to put down but at this point i am straining to write more to which I feel will be more half assed than it is now

Moments of dissecting

There are moments, lost in thoughts, where the imagination ceases to create and dream and everything feels like it is falling apart. Questioning things that I have taken for granted or accepted without question. Hand me down habits. (thought that was catchy phrase) Imagine a relay race where the runner passes you the baton, take it and go off running not knowing why or for what purpose. Playing music you used to love and even though you are hitting the notes the relation of the notes loses coherence, soul. Words where meanings disappear into vocal sounds of letters put together.

As I have an eye on society alien observer that I am. Listening of talk about justice but not hearing anything about morality. Preaching of Morality and hearing hypocrisy.  Mention of Respect and it is defined in a one sided selfish contract. Or it’s sister Loyalty defined the same way. Ah , and then Love defined by everything that it is not. Flowers , jewelry, money spent, and promises. Promises, a momentary contract erased by time or attention and held dearly by the other.

Mind is too far at this. Ever feel you only scratched the surface ?

Shallow

Find the complicated in things so simple
Have an opinion at hand for everything
Contrary for the sake of saying something
Stand out without having anything to show
Everyone is lost yet you don’t know what state you’re in
Charm and the image of having it together is just you acting
never on the wrong side in your black and white view
Anger comes quick , understanding … slow

Some grow with age
Some just age and never grow
Questions are a burden but not a boundary
No growth in being a victim
No honesty in it either

Cold room / walking away

Cold room

 

Winter is more or less here now. I have a wood stove in the basement which I heat the house with. The heat comes from the stair well and straight in the bathroom across the hallway. When it gets extra cold I close the bathroom and bedroom doors. It makes heating the rest of the house easier. When I go to bed I walk into a very cold room. I shut the door again and get under the cold covers. The warmth of my body captured and I am comfortable. Breathing cool air as I am insulated in this warmth. I am finding that this is symbolic to my state of mind lately. Some kind of emotional hibernation. Shutting the world out.

Walking away

When your opinion of a certain person is just rhetoric and I prove you wrong, you double down instead ……… I walk away
When your political view is just for one party and you accuse me of only voting the other party even after I told you that I was never bound to one party …… I walk away
When I see you yelling at the tv during an interview on the news complaining how stupid this person is and you not seeing yourself how smart you look at the moment …. nope … I walk away
When you question me on what I am doing like a teacher would to a student all while you have absolute no experience ………. I walk away
When you are always offering advice on what I should do and yet never took the only advice I gave you , the one of finishing high school so you can get a job…….. I walk away
When you can’t even see that you have made yourself a victim and you are pissed at those around you never even trying to help yourself ….. I walk away
When you make me spend my time waiting for you when I have other things to do or places to be………… I walk away
When you have wasted my patience you have wasted and spent my compassion, my empathy.
Time is short and getting shorter and I am getting less and less willing to have others burn my candle for me. I have become …. uncompromising

Narrator

That voice I live with that has no name.
I just realized I should give it one.
That voice that intrudes as I am typing this.
Sometimes helpful, sometimes not.
It is the blogger in my head.
I wish it could type and have a better vocabulary than me.
At times I swear there are two of them.
None of them wants to motivate me to do housework.
I spend too much time listening.
Impossible to get the last word in.
Odd that the few times it is silent it goes unnoticed.
Until I do and then it is back.
Why couldn’t I have a female voice narrating?
Maybe have Leonard Nemoy to voice over?

I would love to be able to go back in my memory and relive certain events in it’s entirety.
I go through events not fully grasping the moment as I should.
The mind wonders even in the best of times these moments are not fully lived.
Probably explains the haze you see it through when you revisit it.
Some memories are so far away and yet I can remember things so far back.
Hearing my parents voices while i was still in the cradle.
When I think to do so I like to stop it all and try to feel everything I possibly can.
My breathing, the smell of the air. The coolness of it in my nose and in my lungs.
The vibrations I feel with in me and me extremities.
Listen to everything, even feel the sounds if I can.
I am doing all this as if I could stop time in that moment.
Right until HE starts opening his mouth and narrates every fucking thought in my over crowed head!

Passive

Entertain me

For I will

Lend you

My imagination

Escaping

Where I am

Forgetting

Who I am

Floating

On a sea

Waves

Of emotions

Time

Slow and still

Observer to

This energy

I do not

Wish to leave

Moved to

Tears of

Joy

Moved to

Tears of

Sadness

At the same

Time

Beneath it

The same

Beauty

To reality

I return