Passive

Entertain me

For I will

Lend you

My imagination

Escaping

Where I am

Forgetting

Who I am

Floating

On a sea

Waves

Of emotions

Time

Slow and still

Observer to

This energy

I do not

Wish to leave

Moved to

Tears of

Joy

Moved to

Tears of

Sadness

At the same

Time

Beneath it

The same

Beauty

To reality

I return

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Time

-How does one get all the thoughts in ones head out?
Ah … Find themes

-How does one take the time to express ones thoughts?
Simple …. Take a rainy day with a long list of things to do in the house and procrastinate.

-How do I get started?
Again , simple…. what ever pops in your head and let that momentum build.

-How do you come up with these advice?
Just think you are giving it to someone else. Weren’t you ever good at giving advice on things you couldn’t or wouldn’t do yourself?

-Point taken
Why so serious?

I believe it was two and a half years ago I managed to actually blog something on this site. Who am I to think I have anything worth saying? And yet here I am. My world has changed since late September of 2016 after my father died from a heart operation.

Damn this is sounding more like a diary than a blog.

I finished the year with my construction job and over the winter finally made the choice to quit and take on my fathers maple farm instead. It needed desperately a huge over haul that demanded my full effort. Things needed more than just repairs and renewed. It needed to be redesigned and re thought of. My father did not have the health and the will to up keep it. He was satisfied the way it was.

After many years of working on the maple farm over the winters and early springs I saw flaws in it’s installation and how it could be better. But these changes would not happen not as long as my father still had a say in it. What was the point if ever there was an effort to renovate if we were to copy what we had before that was not efficient in it’s setup? So I never talked to him about it, just shut up and did my own thing.

Yes eventually I will get to the theme of this blog.

This event in my life is a turning point, and in this turning point comes changes in different areas. Financially, emotionally, and perception. I am not dealing with the same pressures as before… I should say the lack of pressure as my life was much simpler before. The logistics is far greater than just paying the bill, going to work, and be as productive as I could. Now I have to see things before they happen. How much I can get done before this period. What are things that will bring me more yield in the next season. How far do I push with out being in the red for the season after that, because extra yield does not equate extra income immediately.

Man this seems like a long ass detour to get to the point.

Carrying on …. First season was too close after my fathers event to do anything different, so we went with what we had. It was before the second season that we (my mother and I ) decided to invest heavily in the renovation of our setup. This meant lots of time in the woods cleaning and discarding unwanted trees and shrubs in preparation for new piping lay out.

And now more closer to the reason of this blog.

Early fall I called on a friend for help in the woods path finding where the main piping would go make sure that gravity would naturally flow down. This friend having lost his store he owned due to competition and him not ever getting a high school diploma was on welfare for a long while now.

This is starting to sound like a rant, something I hate to do

He felt like he owed me and this was a good time for help. Having no car nor license I had to go and get him and he would stay at my place. I tell him what we have in store for the week. I would get a laser level and we would path out a new line for the pipe. Then we would do a tree count so I would know what inventory I would get for setting this up. After that for the rest of the week we would haul branches and shrubs from the cleaning I did all through the summer. ……………….the next day…….. go to town early to get the laser level so we could get started right away. We got that lined out and marked , get home and decides to book an appointment to put down his cat….. for this Wednesday !    For fucks sake …. fine…………. the day after that……… get up early to bring back the laser level and pay for the rental. Get back home and my friend is playing on my xbox and not really in a hurry to get off. Told him I had things to still get done and to move it.

Now the tipping point……….

Having done the tap-able tree counting and marking we got home had supper and off he goes on the xbox till the early hours past midnight. I did not sleep well as the sounds was just loud enough to be annoying………… Wednesday morning ……..  I naturally get up with the sun and head out to the sugar cabin to get something done that would not take all day to do as I had to drive him back before 4 pm. …… Mid morning…… I am working on a tractor trying to reconnect a piece to where there was very little room to work with….. here i see my friend slowly waltzing down the road to the cabin looking for me on either side of the road thinking i was in the woods. He made it to the cabin noticing what I was doing….. with the morning crust still in his eyes and both hands in his pockets he suggests I should put a nail to line up the holes for the bolts so I could line it up better. Not being there more than 30 seconds he had a bright idea &^%$@# ! I snapped back I did that an hour and a half ago !  Shortly after getting this part on I decided to drive him back asap so I could salvage the rest of my day.

The analysis………..

After being frustrated with this event I  came to the conclusion that this was it… never again. Reflecting long on this a pattern was clear. My friend was on another time format than me. Basically he had none…. He punched out years ago when he lost his store and went on a job hunt spree only to be rejected because he never finished his high school. The profiling begins ……….no … That is another subject and I am getting way too detoured here.

Back on track ……….

My friend did not see or understand all the effort I had ahead of me and that time was moving fast. 5 months was a short time to get ready for next season and I had many miles to go to get there on time. This got me thinking more and more about time and the respect of time. How many people in my life that had the same theme of not respecting time or anyone else. That it was beyond their scope of understanding. Working for myself now I do not deal with 40 hour weeks and 5 days per. I see time in bigger chunks as in seasons, which make the number count much smaller. My father expanded his maple farm at pretty much the same age I am now…. and seeing how time flows by fast it will be a short time before I am at where my father left off. It is coming up on three years of his passing and it went by in a blink of an eye. When the sugar season is over I have more freedom to do the days and hours as I please…. Love that freedom, but I never forget what needs to be done and when. The more the renovations advances the more free time I will be able to play with, never forgetting I need to keep adding pressure as to not get behind. So I have found time to be extremely precious. Even though I may not do much with my free time when it happens it is not for anyone else to waste it for me. With that comes an understanding that not all people get this and hence my tolerance level gets pretty short and my bluntness pretty high.

Perception………

My perception of time has changed. I see myself in the near future as well as the far future as easily as one can remember the past like it was yesterday. The flip side, not having a structured work week what may of happened two weeks ago may be remember as if it was yesterday. The sugar season was a shorter to normal one but there was no real break with in it. It was intense. What may have seemed an eternity during seems like a small chunk of time when it is over. Being outside everyday winter quickly morphed to spring. Winter seems like a huge season when it is coming around the corner but it is merely a few weeks when it is over.
Sometimes when I take a quiet moment to try to slow down my thoughts. To more …. feel instead. Between breaths for a brief moment I can feel as if time stops. This may be a reason why I like to sleep. That transition between wake and sleep where time feels altered.

I really don’t know how to end this and I wish I had more of a philosophical approach than a rant. What sounds clear and orderly in my head never comes out the way I saw it.
I may have come across this more through frustration dealing with others.

My time is mine
It is not for you to waste

 

I Love you

It is funny how those words said in pure honesty is just a selfish expression you want to tell another.

I can’t remember a day with my ex that after getting ready for work did I not make it back to the bedroom just to kiss her and say those words before leaving

Me

I am lost in the certainty

the certainty I am

lost

with every step I have found

only to lose it again

For what I was

is not what I am now

nor am I complete

or ever will be

till the end

of what I will eventually be

Me

 

 

Captains log

I wake up to find myself in an abandoned submarine not knowing how i got there or where the crew have gone to. Where I am on the charts , I don’t know. How deep I am , unknown. I have a challenge before me and so many questions. I have so many instruments to learn, so many essential things for my survival.

As strange as it feels to be lost and yet confined the solitude is comforting. My mind is not busy with little things as everything is important and urgent. Air! What do I need to know before I choke to death , how much do I have and how long will it last? Food. Geez , how much do I have and what will go bad first?

There is no idle time to be had, for what I neglect now I will have to pay dearly later.

Why bother if I am probably going to die anyways. What do I want to do? Master this craft? To what purpose , what end? Odd is the thought of getting off and finding my way home so far from my thoughts right now. I seem to enjoy this peace and quiet and yet it will be limited as soon as I run out of air or food.

In these watery depths my thoughts go to deeper thoughts. It is as if this is the reason why I am here. I can’t decide what is more important, finding the reason or just pure survival?

On that I am on a stand still. No external influences to disrupt me. No feelings here in the depths of my mind. Some kind of stealth mission way below the chaos of thoughts and emotions. No rambling of repetitious thoughts. Each one , new , deeper, a discovery.

So deep I am here , to the point I forget to breathe.

Here, no thoughts of what is going on ‘out there’

Note: the imagery is a reoccurring one when I am quiet in thought. I decided to write it down and explore where my thoughts would lead. I feel I could of gone deeper if I had no other external pressures at this moment , but knowing myself I would have gone in a day dream and fell asleep.

Inspired to reply

 

Having seen this on Facebook I was inspired to reply

Tho my feelings have changed towards death over the years, I have felt this and understood it well. This week 20 years ago I lost an ex even tho we were separated for two years , her death took me a good seven years to get over. It is through my dreams did we argue and fight still , until that one last dream where we resolved things without even speaking. I felt at peace with her ever since. Even after death she has taught me a lesson of letting go. I thank her for it. Even the passing away of those we know , we carry part of them with us, even if it is one line they said to us that for the longest time haunted us till we understood it. Whether we know it , or feel it , we are shaped by those we meet. Sometimes even touched by strangers. We can feel lonely in this world sometimes but the reality of it is so untrue.

So in turn , think about this, those who have touched you in your life you have also touched them in somewhat the exact manner.